'Honey, When Did My Ass Get So Big?'

Dear God. How in the hell, male friends, do you answer this question? What should your facial expression be? How quickly should you answer? What exactly should you say? How should you say it?

Think about it for a minute.

That question, word for word, was posed to me last night when Bridget was trying on some new maternity clothes that she'd ordered online. (Big surprise.) She wasn't angry when she asked the question. It was more of a matter-of-fact comment with a quizzical inflection at the end. "Honey," she said calmly, "when did my ass get so big?"

I froze because, well, I'm a guy. And, mostly, I say dumb things. Like this, for example: My wife's butt is bigger than it was seven months ago. (Now, of course, I can't say that to her. She can read it and be okay, but I can't actually say it to her -- especially not in response to a direct question.) And frankly, why wouldn't it be bigger? She's about 30 weeks pregnant and is growing the most important little girl in the world. Stuff gets bigger when you're 30 weeks pregnant.

But, again, I can't say that her backside has grown by even a quarter of a centimeter in response to a question about it. That would just be  asking for a fight and a free pass to a night on the couch.

During Bridget's pregnancy, which has been filled with emotion, I've learned there are certain words that SHOULD NEVER BE USED. EVER. Whether I'm talking about her body, a Kardashian, a piece of fruit, or a steak, I'm not to mention:

• Big
• Fat
• Bigger
• Fluffy
• Plump
• Huge
• Wide
• Chunky
• Girth
• Thick

Ever. Under any circumstances. And I'm fine with that. Again, she's growing the most important little girl in the world, so she pretty much calls the shots. 

So, what did I say? Did I dig myself a grave? Will I be waking up on the couch? Thankfully not. "Oh, darling," I said. "It's beautiful -- just like the rest of you."

I've learned that word, that wonderful, three-syllable word, is a the perfect answer to nearly every pregnancy question. What will our daughter be like? Beautiful. How does that diaper bag look? Beautiful. Do you like this blindingly bright purple shirt? Bea-uti-ful. And it's all true. (Well, maybe not the diaper bag.) The curious thing about a pregnant wife is that she really does get more beautiful every single day.

So, if you need me later tonight, I'll be asleep in my bed. (I think.)