My Life as a Chopaholic

Before Annabelle was born, I spent more time than I’d like to admit practicing skills I’d need to care for her. Bridget and I attended a day-long parenting class and attended a baby expo that is cleverly named Drool. Bridget had quite a bit of experience with babies, so it was all review for her. But for me, who hadn’t babysat a day in my life, it was all new. And scary.

I learned how to support a baby’s head, change a diaper, and swaddle a newborn. (I never quite mastered that third one.) I learned how to feed, how to soothe, and how to bathe. The instructors were kind, patient, and supportive.

But no one, not one person, mentioned the task that would consume most of my time as a new Dad: chopping fruit.

I have chopped so much damn fruit in the last 19 months. Like, a ton. Do you ever wonder how much money you’d have if you never spent a cent in your life? What would that pile of cash look like? That’s the way I think of the fruit I’ve chopped. If it was stacked up in a big pile, I’m quite certain it would equal the snowbank in my backyard that won't officially melt until June.

I’ve chopped a LOT of fruit.

The reason, of course, is simple. You cut fruit so that your baby is less likely to choke on fruit. Tiny, bite-sized morsels make it easier for her (or him) to swallow bites of nature’s candy. This is especially important when the baby doesn’t have teeth, but it continues after chomper growth, too.

What I didn’t realize about the fruit cutting (because, again, no one had the decency to mention it) was that not all fruits are created alike. Some are easier to chop into tiny bits than others. Some keep better than others. Here's a quick sampling (from best to worst) of the fruits Belle eats on a regular basis:

• Grapes. Grapes are sturdy and need just one clean chop to split into digestible chunks. Quick, easy, efficient. If my chopping life focused solely on grapes, I’d be a happy man. (Maybe I'd even turn into this guy someday.) But sadly, that's not my reality.  
• Bananas. Easy, right? Easy to chop, mushy. A piece of cake. But bananas turn brown very quickly when you cut into them. They don’t keep well. Plus, what are you supposed to do with the strings? Include them? Just eat them yourself while you’re cutting? That’s gross. 
• Watermelon. Fairly easy to cut, but it never holds together very well. Plus, it can get mushy. Not one of my favorites. 
• Blueberries. Ugh. Blueberries are so tiny and it’s hard to cut more than one at a time. Plus, blueberries take more concentration than the rest, which can be a big challenge on a few hours of sleep.
• Strawberries. The bane of my chopping existence. Strawberries are oddly shaped, have inconsistent textures, and have the stupid stem on top. Plus, they often have non-ripe spots or overly sweet spots, which you feel bad giving to your kid. I always start by cutting off the top and then experiment with different techniques of chopping lengthwise or widthwise. I typically end up just diving in and doing unique cuts, which is time-consuming and generally awful.

Annabelle is getting better now. She can eat a banana by herself, but I fear that the cutting is just getting started. We’ll want her to try new foods and I’ll need my trusty cutting board and knife to make it happen.

Just wish me luck when pomegranate seeds are her new obsession …