Going from Miracles to 9 to 5

I stared incredulously for hours at this perfect, little person Bridget and I created. I learned how to hold her, how to change her, and how to soothe her. I took every opportunity to smell her and kiss her. My life was changed forever.

And then, in what felt like the blink of an eye, I was back at work.

I'd witnessed a miracle -- a damn miracle! -- only 12 days earlier and I was back in my office chair typing away at 8:30 on a Monday morning. Now, let me preface this post by saying that I'm very fortunate to have a job that offers paternity leave. And let me also preface this post by saying I wasn't the one who actually gave birth. (You know, just in case there was some confusion about that.) Still, going back to work that first Monday (and really, that first week) was really, really difficult.

September 16 was the day of reckoning for me. On September 15, I made my lunch, chose an outfit, and got ready for what felt like my first day of work. I'd returned to the office after vacations before, but this was different. Instead of thinking about that delicious bottle of wine we had with dinner or that cloudless day on the beach, I was going to be thinking (constantly, I surmised) about my new daugther.

Think about it: One moment, your outlook on life changes. The next moment, you're back in Outlook. How does anyone make that transition smoothly? There are emails waiting for you, calendar invites that need a response, and colleagues who are eager for some input. And in three specific ways, it's been just as bad as I expected:

1. I'm really tired. Well, duh. In fact, Annabelle has been a pretty darn good overnight sleeper so far, but it's still exhausting. One thing I've already learned about early parenthood is that breaks are few and far between. You're almost always "on." Mix a serious lack of shut-eye with a two-hour meeting in a warm room and, well, you can figure out the rest.
2. The right word is just out of reach. I'm not sure if other people have noticed yet (thanks for being polite if you have noticed, colleagues), but as I'm explaining a program or sharing an opinion, my mind has these moments of blank. I've said "conflict" when I meant "connect" and "hotel" when I meant "hospital." And I've done that thing where you unconsciously switch the first letter of one word with the first letter of the next word at least 400 times.
3. I miss my daughter a lot. I get text messages with photos and enjoy a lunchtime phone call here or there, but I miss her. It's tough.

In three other ways, though, going back to work after paternity leave has resulted in some positive changes:

1. I have a new perspective. I had a strong work-life balance before Annabelle arrived. Other than skipping most lunch breaks, I was pretty good at shutting down by 5:30 PM. (I was once miserable at a job that required constant email surveillance, so I've learned my lesson.) Now, though, I leave as soon as I can to get home to see my family. And I use my lunch break to make phone calls -- even if it's just to hear Annabelle squeak and sigh.
2. I've remembered how lucky I am to work with really supportive, flexible colleagues. Between giving thoughtful gifts and cards, checking in to make sure I'm not falling asleep, allowing me to miss meetings so I can be at doctor's appointments, and being patient on the days when I'm a bit slower, my co-workers (really, friends) have been great.
3. I get to come home every day to something amazing. Whoa, whoa, you might be thinking. Haven't you had a wonderful wife for a while now? Of course! But I often beat her home before Annabelle was born. These days, I walk in and see two beautiful faces every single night.

The re-entry to the salt mines has been tough, but these three changes have made things a whole lot easier. I feel strongly that paternity leave should be four weeks -- three weeks off, one week back at work to develop a schedule, one week off -- but even if that were the case, that first Monday at 8:30 would have been just as tough.